I knew it would happen eventually; it was just a matter of time. I finally have my very own superpower. Ever since I was a little girl I knew I was destined to have some sort of super human ability. I fantasized about breathing under water like Mark Harris, the main character in a 1970’s TV show called Man From Atlantis.
Or flying through the sky like the Flying Nun.
(I think I just dated myself with those two references). As time went on, I discovered there were many more superpowers to be had thanks to comics and movies. The X-men came along and I had a hard time choosing if I wanted to control the weather, shoot fire from my fingertips, or travel inter-dimensionally. I knew I was destined for something special one day.
And now that day has come. No, my power is not quite as exotic as razor claws and regeneration abilities, besides, I have more of a Deadpool type of personality.
However, my power is nothing to sneeze at. I have acquired the ability to heat my body to scorching levels no mere human could possibly tolerate. They say a lot of women my age get this power, but truly, I think I have something exceptional going on. I can generate enough heat to maintain a small city indefinitely. The only drawback is that I have not learned how to control my powers yet. This causes a few problems. For instance, when I am lying in bed and I feel the heat revving up, I have to quickly throw back the covers and start fanning myself for fear that the bed might catch on fire. My poor husband is forever burning his hand whenever he tries to roll me over. (According to him, I have a second superpower – Super Sonic Snoring.)
Still, my new found power has some perks. Chilly grocery stores are no longer a problem for me, even after coming into the store drenched from a rainstorm. I can breeze down the aisles without a chill while others are shivering, especially in the frozen food section. Sometimes I generate so much heat I am afraid I might combust right there in the checkout lane. So I’ll stand in the frozen vegetable aisle with two doors wide open and contemplate climbing in, you know, just for a minute to ensure the other shoppers will be safe from the impending wave of heat my body is about to unleash. I might damage some of the frozen goods while doing this, but it is a small price to pay for keeping everyone safe.
I’m trying to figure out how to use my superpower after I learn how to control it. Perhaps I can save people from the chilly night air by offering my services as a human patio heater. I may not be as tall as a traditional patio heater, but I’m mobile. I can move around from table to table to make sure everyone stays warm.
I’m also quite chatty after a few glasses of wine. Did I mention wine tends to jump start my heating abilities? (Note: I accept white and red as payment for my time)
I also need to think up a superhero name for myself. So far I’ve come up with Lava Lady, Caliente Gal, and Ignita Woman. I need to do some more work on my super identity and perhaps a costume. Ahhh, Life! The fun you present me with!
Thanks for reading.
Heads up. The title of the book I’m working on is “Don’t Drink the Coffee”. It’s a GMO thriller.
Chow for now,