Ignored By My Physician — Say It Isn’t So!

Dr. Evil

Dr. Evil

It’s that time again – my annual physical! I know it is only once a year, but I start dreading it as soon as I make the appointment, which is about four months out. I’ve been going to the same doc since I moved to North Carolina. She has always been very attentive, asked a lot of questions, and spent time with me. After all, I only see her once a year. This visit was a little different; thus, I have a new name for her: Dr. Faster-Than-The-Speed-Of-Light. For whatever reason, she seemed like she was in a really big hurry. She glanced at my chart and proceeded to give me an exam that was quicker than an airport TSA screening . In about three minutes, she was finished, gave a dismissing nod toward my clothes piled on a chair, and pronounced me healthy enough to return to the general population. The problem was that I had a question about a particular pain I am having in my lower back.

I’m a rather healthy person, but from time to time, I get an ache or pain that needs more than Ibuprofen. For instance, a few months ago, I got a really weird bite on my hand. My knuckles swelled up so much it looked like I had Cremini mushrooms on the back of my hand. Not only that, it was painful, almost like getting your hand ground down into the dirt with an army boot, size 15. It turned out to be some weird bacteria that had invaded my hand through the bite wound and was trying to alter my DNA. Ok, maybe the DNA part isn’t true, but I had to take antibiotics and get a penicillin shot to kill it.

Never fun

Never fun

Anyway, the doc was about to leave before I could ask about my back pain, and she was moving fast. She took one step and her latex gloves were off. She took another step and her foot was on the trashcan pedal, the lid opening and her gloves dropping in. Somehow, she also had the water running in the sink and had a soapy lather going. By step three, she had already grabbed a paper towel with one hand and was turning the door handle with the other.

It was all happening too fast. If I wanted my doctor’s opinion on my back pain, I had to act. I launched myself off the table causing my paper skirt to fall to the floor. All I had covering me was the light blue exam gown, which didn’t conceal much more than my shoulder blades.

In mid-flight from the table, I yelled, “Wait! In hindsight, I think I might have said it too loudly, because her eyes, normally friendly and crescent shaped , opened up into large jawbreaker sized orbs in her head. My hair was in my face, so when I pushed it out of the way, I inadvertently got a sideways look at myself in the mirror. Yikes! I was a sight. My long, tangled hair was doing some weird medusa dance around my head; my exam gown was open in the front exposing all of my naughty bits right down to my toes. I was hunched over a bit (duh, my back hurt), and my stomach was growling like a mountain lion from not eating, a necessary evil for the usual blood work yet to come.


The crazy was showing a little bit.

The doc composed herself and her eyes shifted back to their normal, practiced, compassionate features and asked, “Was there something more?” From her tone, I could tell she wanted me to say “no” so she could go on with her day. This angered me a bit. After all, I was standing on a cold tile floor wearing an ugly blue exam gown that was barely clinging to my shoulders. To say I was a little miffed would be an understatement.

My stomach rumbled out one big ugly growl and I gave her a little smirk. I tend to get somewhat sarcastic when I am hungry. It was tough to fight back the urge to cock my head to one side, smile a big, toothy grin, and say, “I have a strange craving for BRAINS!” and then take a step toward her. But alas, I was able to keep it together. I like my doc, but I don’t think her sense of humor was working that day. Besides, I am pretty sure she could have me committed for 24 hour observation if she wanted to.

So, I calmly pulled the gown closed, straightened up a bit and said, “Yes, I need to ask about my lower back pain.”

She asked me a few questions, pushed around on my back a bit and told me to take some Ibuprofen and keep an eye on it. I was about to tell her that was what I have been doing for the past month, but when I turned around, she was gone. Damn. I should have gone with the brain-craving instead.


Did this just happen?

The good news is that my lab results came back and I have healthy blood. (Please don’t tell the vampire community.) The bad news is my back still hurts and my opinion of my health insurance is hurting as well. I am not entirely sure what to do now. The pain seems to be getting worse, so I will probably go for a second opinion pretty soon. It looks like I have a new cat butt in my life. Yay me.medium

Watch out this week; the cat butts seem to be on sneak attack.


Elephant Butts vs. Cat butts

I’ve started this blog entry five times already and failed to complete it every time.  You might have been thinking a giant cat butt got me since this is such a late post. Well, I’ve learned that there are bigger things out to get me other than cat butts. Yes, I got tackled by a big, humongous, overzealous, elephant-sized dung shooter.  Something got me and stopped me flat in my tracks.Elephant Ass

It seems I somehow got a major infection in my upper rear molar and it has wreaked havoc on my life for the past two weeks.  My regular dentist didn’t want to touch it because he said my teeth were just too scary for him. I have an abnormal root system that is, according to my dentist, the spawn of some sort of satanic dental architecture. So, he sent me to a specialist to get a root canal.  The specialist could not see me for a few days, so my dentist equipped me with some pain meds. I ate those puppies like candy, and they barely took the sting out. When I finally got to the specialist, I looked like Holy Hell on a stick.  I was a mess.  I felt like my gums were on fire and I wasn’t really taking good care of myself by then, so I am sure my hair had some sort of Medusa thing going on. My eyes were the worst; they looked like cesspools of pure misery, drifting in and out of focus.My Bad Tooth

The endodontist, Dr. Haglund, who performed the root canal, was great. This is the first time I had been there and was pleased to hear the staff ask what kind of music I would like playing while they drilled into my tooth. It was a toss-up between my favorite techno artist, Basshunter, or some hardcore nasty rap.  I thought things would go better with techno, so Basshunter started booming on Pandora and the dentist went to work.  Dr. Haglund numbed my tooth so I would not feel a thing. My face was so paralyzed, my left eyeball ceased to behave on command.  I could barely see out of it, nor could I move it. How crazy is that?  The whole procedure wasn’t too bad, but about six hours later, I was screaming bloody cat balls!  The pain was so intense; I could barely lift my head.  More pain meds for me, please.

attack mouth

Needless to say, I was pretty much a basket case for the next couple of days.  My husband and I had a trip planned to Raleigh, NC for the inaugural Rock n’ Roll Half Marathon.  We left for the trip, but I wasn’t sure if I would run or not. My tooth was still hurting and all the antibiotics and steroids the doctor prescribed were seriously messing with my digestive system, so running 13.1 miles wasn’t looking too good. Still, in the end, I got caught up in all the excitement and decided to run.  I took some extra ibuprofen and hoofed it.  I’ve gotta say, it was tough, but I finished.

After that, I thought I could conquer a crazy cat butt tooth, so I started my blog entry for a fourth time.  Again, I got tackled by the elephant ass of immense pain.  This tooth had some sort of curse on it. I went back to Dr. Hagland and he tinkered around with it a little more.  That seemed to do the trick. It isn’t 100%, but I think I am on the road to chewing my food once again.

So to sum it up, I will tally these past couple of weeks up as Fat Elephant Ass: 1, and Karen: 0, but a wash with cat butts.  I think I did OK there.

Now I am off to Seattle for a big convention; and I don’t have to worry about a nasty toothache. I still expect to get into some sort of trouble; that seems to be how I roll.  However, it will make for a good blog entry, no?

I didn’t make a lot of progress kicking the other cat butts in my life, but those are mostly mental compared to this one, which was painfully physical.  Sometimes you have to stop and do battle with big elephant butts, so don’t get frustrated. When it is done, just start moving forward again.

Trouble coming

Look out cat butts.  I am coming for you.